Contributor Bios

Welcome to Volcano Reviews, the best think tank and blog matrix for getting the hottest takes on the most vital news of each hour! We've assembled a balanced team of fair-minded journalists to report the stories you need to know about all the time. Check out our staff bios below and then explore some of our timely, informed content.

Our Contributors:

John Justice

A former foreign security adviser and dissent investigator for the state department, Justice is an ancient torso filled with ash and spiders and connected to a mountain of military-grade medical machinery prolonging his “life”. With a diverse body of work in consulting that includes visiting tenures at the School of the Americas and Japan's Unit 731, Justice has enjoyed a storied intelligence career, helping to clear domestic surveillance barriers and vanquishing many potential threats to our country, often before they even reached military age. Justice currently telecommutes as the e-warden of several hundred private prisons and even manages Comcast's complaint department on the side. Check out his recent articles “Why Monopolies are Great for the Poor”, “Keep War Privatized”, and “Trump is the Only Thing Wrong With America”.

Fox Lockwheel

A steampunk librarian and vampire hunter, Fox Lockwheel is at the forefront of psykonautic DreamWave expansionism and other emerging consciousness-expansion movements. One of Reefer Babe's most popular Smoke Show Video Vixens, Fox has heroically broken open the marijuana livestream industry for skinny, beautiful women with tattoos. A stateless oogle unconcerned with time or possessions, Fox thrives free from encumbrance of home or job, surviving monetarily through her popular Restless Flames online shop where patrons can purchase stealth crystals, kava shakes, kratum enemas, machine elves, sex harnesses, latex goods, votive lubricant, trepanning supplies, body-positive chain mail, fingerless gloves, and indie video games. Relax your anus and dip into a new awareness with Fox's new articles “How Psychedelics Changed the World of Sex Worker Doomsday Prepping”, “Skincare Tips For the Recently Tear-Gassed” and “How to Date a Deodorant Person”.

Viktor Sabonis

A withered partisan and laborer of the forgotten ages, Sabonis is a mournful ghost with over two centuries of membership in U.S. labor groups and a magic alabaster shillelagh imbued with the power of solidarity. He shakes his phantom chains and pleads with the world through foreboding eyes, waiting for the final workers' revolution that will allow his spirit to rest in his family's plot in Lithuania. Sabonis is the only blogger on our site with memories of life before 2001, and gives a free three-hour history talk at the public library every Sunday, his trembling whisper barely audible over the rumbling city traffic. Empower yourself with Viktor's latest articles “350 Countries That Are Secretly Fascist”, “Other Things We Could Do With 700 Billion Dollars Besides Kill People”, and “5 Reasons You Should Topple the Masters and Burn the Prisons Today”.

Malo Nguesso

An undocumented refugee from the Congo, Nguesso lives in the house of a retiree he murdered, collecting her social security and using her computer to support Donald Trump. Tired of our bleeding-heart P.C. culture that has allowed entitled barbarians to ruin Western Civilization with sex crimes, library use, and exploitable labor, Nguesso channels his rage into positive actions like thinking up puns on the names of liberal politicians, listing non-slavery reasons the U.S. Civil War was fought, and making sure there is always a devil's advocate in the conversation. The unlawful owner of 58 guns, Nguesso believes police have the duty to kill him if they find him. See his work in his recent articles “Teachers Should Stop Complaining”, “Let Addicts Die” and “How Retirement Creates a Victim Mentality”.

Laurie Kablowski

Trapped in a K-hole of NPR coverage, Laurie Kablowski eats cold pickled eggs with a joyless face in her Deep State office hidden at the U of C Berkley, where she is researching emasculating chemicals and gay animals. The office also houses her lover and three adult children (paid protesters), and smells like a nutty dog-fart tooted into a wet burrow of kimchi. A former drug-runner and terrorist organizer, Ms. Kablowski now continues the struggle by sharing six or seven pieces of political content every day on Facebook, and blocking the door while talking hoarsely to youth with an intense gleam in her eye. Join Laurie and the #resistance by sharing her recent pieces “9 Morning Mantras Trump Hates”, “We Should All Switch To Using This Kind Of Straw” and “Let's Help This Etruscan Plus-Size Model Buy the Kanye Jacket of Her Dreams”.

BETSY 385

A housewife android created decades ago for future that never arrived, BETSY 385 has an iron, unchanging smile of total emptiness. In an attempt to appear human, she regularly publishes in USA Today about a normal human life she wished she possessed. In the fantasy world she creates in her writing, she has a soldier husband and two kids for school. At the park for Saturday they throw a Frisbee and discuss the wonderful singers they watched on television at school. See how the dog will catch the Frisbee? Here comes Christmas again, children. See how happy the sky is. Explore the normal American experience with BETSY 385's recent pieces “150 Reasons Everyone Should Like Italian Food” and “I Like How Ellen DeGeneres Makes Me Happy” and “Feet: Why Do They Hurt?”

Emerson DeWhilliker III

Dressed like a vaudeville fancy man and speaking in the honeyed drawl of a homespun Bond villain, Emerson DeWhillicker III has worked long and hard to maintain his inherited class and authority, sustaining his pride and noble demeanor despite the ravages of the estate tax and the looming threat of intersectionality. A lover of talking down, natural distrust, happy blacks, and folksy historical deceit, DeWhillicker feels racism was just about solved around 2004 and was reintroduced to the United States during the Obongo administration. Enjoy his old-world wit at play in his recent pieces “Jazz Ruined Our Musical Heritage”, “Why Sodomy Only Applies to Women” and “How Libertarianism Won World War Two”.

Molly Molasses

Sassy, practical, and outspoken, Molly Molasses brings an accessible middle-American sensibility to her work, which ranges from thrifty shopping lists and sassy stands on manners to brave character assassination pieces on twitter feminists and pictures of herself holding guns or fish. An fiercely traditional mom who wishes we were back in the good old days, Ms. Molasses is a voice of reason standing against troublemakers who want to bring politics into food, religion, art, education, or entertainment. A multimillionaire with a successful tablescape line, she still feels most self-actuated and comfortable at home taking orders from her husband and twelve sons. Check her out in her recent articles “Take Easter Back from the Pagans” “5 Tragic Victims Whose Parents Should Have Taught Them Better” and “Why Moms Shouldn't Tip”.

Trent Dent

Trent Dent considers himself the most reasonable man alive, and possibly the only mature, objective voice left in media. As a bold centrist, he has spent years bravely defending the embattled status quo from thoughtless activists who only care about results. Dent's practical desire for positive change is tempered with a inherent need for total capitulation to his opponent's policies, a realistic understanding of the process of change, an appreciation of our laws and institutions, a vision of the greater good, a healthy respect for the people in the know, an acceptance of the world we live it, and a worship of the politically feasible. Dent believes he is the logical, practical choice for the next Chief Apologist for the White House, and hopes to use his position to help anarchists think more about optics, make unionists stop complaining, and force the Green Party to grow up already. Sigh to yourself while waiting in line, and peruse Trent's recent articles “Let's Only Crush Half the Poor” “Why We Should Give Trump a Second Chance” and “I Don't Agree With Cancer, But I Admire Its Passion.”