In honor
of Jazz Fest season and the tincture sister who created this ancient
blog, V.R. Has compiled a short list of local remedies for party
casualties struggling with the morning after an odyssey of bad
decisions. Consume at your own risk.
The
Gilded Age Glider
(A.K.A. Garfield's Patent Medicine Death Fluid)
This
tincture was first popularized over a century ago as the formula
forced into dying President Garfield as he succumbed to his
assassination over a period of weeks. This recipe has been used as a
old wives' remedy in New Orleans for generations for prone,
unresponsive people who might be dying or sick.
➤On
an industrious day free of dust storms and cholera, combine beef
bouillon, eggs, laudanum, rustic lye, pickled pig lips and
Worcestershire sauce in a trough and mix with a scythe of a seventh
son. Administer as an enema. Will not prevent death.
Solo
Juice
(A.K.A. Burnout Levee Libation)
Recovered
from a U.F.O. abduction site on local festival grounds, this tincture
is good trip fuel and works as a charm of protection for a lonely
fest-goer who has ended up on their own mission in the ghostly
morning.
➤Take
a thermos of fermented tea and shake in ground maca-maca, sorghum,
guarana, and qat leaves with an old chopstick. In a sweaty backpack,
put the thermos next to a chillum of dry, inexpensive weed and a box
of cold fried chicken and wander down to the Mississippi at the
bottom of the Quarter. Experience the savage eye of the molten sun
radiating prehistorical energy, and the cold fluttering windlets off
of the river. Sit with a crowd of confused families and meandering drug
users and think about what your dad used to feel like, and the limits
of language, and what's going on in your stomach.
The
Jogger
A
healthy, motivated choice for the vacationer who is addicted to
destroying their legs and looking weird instead of sleeping.
➤Awake
in the steamy pre-dawn and consume two pellets of mycoprotein and a
micro-dosed Powerade while listening to your Joe Rogan Investment
Strategy audiobook. Put on those toe-shoes and build a luminous sheen
of sweat around your reflector gear as you canter through trash and
vomit in the dark. Run against traffic, wearing headphones that
inoculate you with powerful fitness hip-hop.
Crustlord's
Punch
(A.K.A. The Trainhopper's Wife, or the Oogle Plus)
A
favorite of New Orleans' most-hated population of transient neutral
ground dwellers, this communal libation provides relief from society
and features lingering digestive effects.
➤Wring
out a heavily used bar rag into a Styrofoam shell of forgotten french
fries. Drink a King Cobra halfway down and refill with a pre-2008
Sparks Stinger and hot kraut juice. Knock over a generic Midwestern
beer and put more stickers on your guitar. Try and stop your dog from
fighting and serve tincture in a barrel of fire.
No
Rest for the Wicked
Created
by the sad teens at Cafe Beignet, No Rest For the Wicked is a recent
New Orleans tincture based on a folk recipe enjoyed by libertine
service workers since the dawn of capitalism.
➤Wake
up still drunk after two hours of unconscious drooling and groan on
your lurch to work, dry-heaving and expelling phlegm loudly. Ask your
coworkers for investment-banker-grade Adderol, 5-Hour Energy,
Excedrin plus, a large ice coffee with espresso added, and a bite of
something warm out of the oven. Fight through the shift like a dying
samurai and serve customers a dried smile of despair. For an extra
New Orleans twist, include a family emergency, a rat on the loose, or
a customer who needs you to help them have a really special day.
Double
Down
(A.K.A. Stag Party Toughguy)
A
stupid cocktail for the morning after you've thoughtlessly mixed
dangerous combinations of substances all night and you realize you're
invincible and can destroy your body forever.
➤Assimilate
DayQuil, clamato, and chocolate wine together in a skull goblet and
garnish with salt and a dead cricket. Enjoy with a Smokin Joes Red
100 at a bus station. Sum up your life in a single short sentence and
leave a dirty flip-flop on Nicholas Cage's mausoleum.
Doctor's
Orders
(A.K.A. The Expert)
A
hangover is a wonderful thing if you have the time and expertise to
enjoy it. This local favorite is available to residents and visitors
alike, but is best enjoyed in a messy, comfortable home containing
the first smells of summer funk.
➤Take
a slept-in, miraculous day off and combine with pirated television on
the lap top and powerful cannabis, preferably the Deep Cheese or
Alaska Thunder Grape strains. Walk around the sunlit apartment naked
or at least in your most busted undies. Steal your roommate's LaCroix
and combine with a Goya ginger beer and whatever juice dregs live in
your fridge. Consider getting breakfast delivered, eating a whole box
of cereal, or making a decadent, imperfect frittata. Bonus: if
there's someone there you fucked last night, fuck 'em again!
