Nine years ago a man named Jalon joined
Youtube.com and began a mission to construct a new spiritual,
scientific, and sexual understanding of the world. His first video
was titled “Why Gay is associated with Lopsided Body” and used a
very understandable graphic of a human skeleton held up by a giant
pair of lopsided organs. The presentation concisely demonstrated that
each person's kidneys can become unbalanced in a kind of inner sexual
dimorphism that leads to uneven body posture. This was the beginning
of an enormous body of work realizing a new world view called Happeh
Theory.
Heavily informed by the schools of misunderstood Asian
philosophy and the Youtube anti-masturbation community, Happeh Theory
uses ruthless slide show technology and futuristic graphic models to
topple pillars of science and philosophy and help us understand that
masturbation will make us blind, crippled homosexuals shaped like
uneven trapezoids. In his impressively vast and entirely un-linear
offerings of Happeh Theory, Jalon also takes us deeper and deeper
into an understanding of his mind, I mean your body. We learn that
holes in the human body are created in essentially the same way as a
hurricane: both are like the Yin Yang sign. The human body itself can
be treated as a yin yang sign, or for that matter a pyramid,
jellyfish, foot, or blob.
Happeh Theory's points are also made
abundantly clear through Jalon's diagramming of the human body.
Pulling an innumerable amount of studly beefcake photos from the net
and then drawing shapes over their faces and bodies, Jalon quickly
and indisputably reveals the warping and uneven tightening they've
inflicted on themselves: the “cigar mouth” lips, rising
asymmetrical shoulders and endlessly gripping hands. It's clear we
must never masturbate or be gay.
A relentless advocate for his school
of understanding, this home guru robotically draws us slowly along,
his logic rock solid and consistent. Both anuses and funnels do
have a hole, and it makes sense pirates have hooked hands,
because they're at sea for so long without sex. The cyclops creature
of legend is based on real life people who act and look like they
only have one eye. A penis can be viewed as a taurus, or as two
revolving pillars. Masturbation leads to homosexuality because it
tightens your anus up to the point where it needs a penis massage to
get loose again.
Jalon is like a conspiracy
investigator uncovering the secret gayness running the world. As he
builds his base of knowledge, the true yearnings of his heart leak
out into the videos, like a man expressing a dark secret against his
will. Will he one day understand that he has been sleeper agent for
the enemy all along?
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